Celibacy: Day 13

Forgive me blog-readers for I have sinned. It has been 2 days since my last confession. I have had impure thoughts. Lots and lots of impure thoughts.

Celibacy has suddenly gotten really difficult (difficult, because h**d is on my list of banned words for the next 2 weeks). I have hit the celibacy wall and can only hope that my celibacy second wind is arriving (C**ing is also banned) soon.

Several friends have been trying to trip up my celibacy. Sending sneaky links to pornography, Rick Roll style, emailing me pictures of their lovely lady lumps, sending flirtatious or outright dirty messages and even going as far going full tonsil hockey on me in public places have all up until now been enjoyable and no threat. I was too strong for such temptations to phase me. But suddenly, last night, things got real.

I had three ladies trying to trip me up at once, one just for the sake of doing so and 2 who legitimately wanted some celibacy breaking action and somehow they struck the right chords and I felt tempted. I felt beyond tempted. Fucking A, I felt like Charlie Sheen in a room full of hookers wearing panties made out of cocaine. But I made it. I went all Jesus in the desert. I was like "Get thee behind me Satan!" except that is was more like "I will look at your tits but I am not going to touch myself, woman!" It's real difficult being me.

Celibacy: Day 11

How do lesbians know when they are done having sex? Don't give me that "When both of them orgasm" bullshit. One will cum quicker and then the other will be worked up again by the time the other is done, or one is going to be incredibly difficult to get off and then one person is doing 65% more work then the other every time the sex goes down. How do they know when they are done?

What have I gotten out of celibacy? My first hickey. I'm almost 30 years old for Christ's sake; it's embarrassing. I find hickeys tacky but apparently they happen?

I went and saw a Japanese movie about bugs at the new FilmBar downtown with a special lady friend (The Artist) and back to her place. Japanese bugs are a major turn on so, 4 hours of making out ensued, because how the hell do you know when you are done making out? It is an infinite activity. There is no easy point to say, "OK, I'm sick of kissing you, I'm going home." It's like petting a dog more than petting a cat. A cat lets you know when the petting is over but a dog will let you pet him forever and he gets all awkward about it when you stop. Frustration.

At least she gets to do something about it when I leave.

Celibacy: Day 10 Super Power

"Aren't you worried about your prostate?"

"I think my prostate can handle a month."

"I thought an abrupt change was what was bad for it, but what do I know? I don't even have one."

I think I finally figured out the purpose of my celibacy. Freud called it "sexual sublimation". Refraining from sex causes the energy to be redistributed into other areas. For me, it has done something amazing. I now have a super power. X-ray vision. Either that or it is some kind of national holiday where women celebrate their ability to vote by wearing see through shirts because bra burning is so passe. Either that or my imagination has really taken off on over-drive.

I will become a super hero. Celibate man. Buddy from Charles in Charge can play me in a TV show on the Christian channel and battle my arch nemesis Camel Toe.

I want someone to spend some time with me and tell me if it my imagination that more women are smiling at me these days and flirting more. I think my penis is sending out distress signals in a frequency that they can hear. "Help me. I am being held prisoner."

Shut up penis.

Celibacy: Day 9

Celibacy is making me soft. Um, let me rephrase that. Celibacy is making me sentimental and a bit nostalgic. I have been thinking fondly of exes and found a pinch of hope for love in the future that has been laying dormant for awhile.

Not in the way everyone wants to hear. It isn't a huge difference and it isn't going to end in me outside of anyones window with a boombox or serenading with a song that is just obscure enough to be clever and just well-known enough to induce nostalgia. Then again it has only been 9 days.

It's the whole process though. Mostly it is people asking why I am doing this and I still have no answer. It makes you think about things. Celibacy is boring.

One thing that I have noticed is that being celibate, and having people know about it, opens conversation to sex. Mostly in the "30 days is nothing, I am currently on day [fill in he blank]" kind of way. This leads to the question of why they are on day [fill in the blank] and then questions of masturbation, relationships, casual sex.

I have a friend who has a husband in the military. He is deployed for months at a time and currently for a year. She has never owned a vibrator of any kind and runs 6 miles a day. I found her one on sale on the internet.

I know a guy who isn't a fan of sex, but masturbates a lot. I know a girl who has scheduled sex with her husband on Thursdays. I know a girl who will not give head because she is afraid that she is too good at it and her boyfriend will never want anything else.

I have friends who don't enjoy sex. Some of them do it anyhow to please their partners, some of them had traumatic experiences to turn them off of it, some are far too old to have never had good sex and yet here they are.

You can learn a lot from celibacy, I guess.

Celibacy: Day 8

I am starting to worry about the health implications of short term celibacy. My testicles ache and I can't say that I have been completely flaccid since waking up. Is it possible to sustain a celibacy injury?

Several people have asked me if a wet dream would count against me in my experiment. Absolutely not. I can't control that and it is therefore no testament against my will-power. I should, however, point out that I have never had one. It feels a little late in life to start but at this point I feel as though it may prevent serious medical side effects.

On that note, if you are an attractive woman and I know you, it is entirely possible and likely that I had a dream about you last night. Yeah.

I am aware that I am a freak-show right now, for most of the hand-full of people who read this blog, so if you have any questions, post them on the comments or hit me up on twitter (@natron602) and I will gladly answer them here.

Celibacy: Day Seven

Celibacy is hard (people love to use the word hard when talking about my celibacy). One week is long enough to have justification to bitch, right? What kind of fucking moron could be having sex and isn't? I am not even morally against sex in any way or form whatsoever.

Have sex before marriage; I don't give a shit. Lord knows you won't be having any after (according to popular situation comedies). Have sex with men, women, men and women, yourself, your ex-girlfriend and farm animals if they find a way to give consent. First date, after marriage, with strangers or for money. I don't care. Use toys, restraints, whips, swings, special pillows, handcuffs, nipple clamps and cock rings. No judgement here. Blow up dolls, Real Dolls, dildos, Fleshlights, glory-holes, a hole drilled in a melon or a pie. Go for it. Doggy style, froggy style, missionary, 69, butterfly, cowgirl, reverse-cowgirl, lotus. It's all good. Have sex in a house with a mouse, in a box with a fox, here there anywhere. I don't care.

Just remember: there's no sex in the champagne room or with me for the next 3 weeks, because I am a fucking moron.

Celibacy: Day Six

And on the sixth day god created man and a woman for him to look at naked and have sex with because the internet wasn't invented yet and masturbation was still pretty new and not much fun without boobs to look at.

"You should ask my sister out." Said my barista. "I told her about your thing though."

Is celibacy a character flaw, even if only for a month?

"This guy would be awesome except.. well, there is one thing... He doesn't masturbate. Not for a month anyhow. First time after may be dangerous. Steer clear."

Celibacy: Day Five

There are a lot of really nice asses at the coffee shop this morning.

It is kind of nice to not have to delete my browser history every morning.

Is this woman coming on to me?

Do you realize that Jailhouse Rock is about prison sex and Whole Lotta Love is about Robert Plant's cock?

Celibacy: Day Four. Role Reversal.

I had a date with that special lady friend last night; the one who was pissed off when I started this whole celibacy bit. First of all: she is still pissed.

We started watching Into The Wild at her place, but the main character was a little bitch who I was hoping would get eaten by a polar bear or some kind of mutant salmon or something and then the DVD hit a scratch and wouldn't play anymore so we made out instead.

I very purposely left kissing as an available option in my sex abstinence. One reason is because I like kissing and didn't want to give it up. The other reason is it adds to the challenge of it. The third reason is to mix it up and see what happens. Let's face it, the lines of my rules are pretty blurred. Basically I guess I am not allowed to get or give orgasms.

Making out, when you know it can't lead to sex, brings the magic of making out back. I was able to be in the moment and just enjoy the kissing. I felt like a teenager again, until...

...I felt like a teenage girl. She made a move. Yeah, she tried to break my will. You know...she reached for it...and I had to stop her. The role reversal was mind-blowing. Usually when a man makes out with a woman he is constantly pushing limits. We kiss and kiss and wonder "Can I put my hand there?" or "will she stop me if I take that off?" and so forth. We are velociraptors testing the electric fence for a weak spot.

Last night, I was on the other end. I started to have to constantly be aware of where her hands were and what she was trying to do so I could stop her when she went to far. Now I know how women feel (or get felt). There is a certain power in play here. Being the one who controls the sex. Saying no! Who would've thought?

Celibacy: Day Three

Scotch and celibacy don't mix. Last night, I attended a Scotch tasting put on by The Macallan. Eden Algie is the Brand Ambassador or some such thing. Basically he gets to drink with people and talk about Scotch, which as far as I'm concerned is the best job that ever existed unless Salma Hayek had a nipple fluffer on set of From Dusk Till Dawn.

If you ever have a chance, I highly recommend that you take part in one of these tastings, unless you happen to be practicing celibacy (OK even then do it, but do it with caution). Have you ever had a night where all you drank was good, single-malt scotch? Eden Algie, god bless him, served us 10 year (x3), 12 year, 15 year and 18 year (x2) Macallan all for free.

Good Scotch tends to bring about a jovial happy drunk. It makes me happy, nostalgic and amorous. Throw in the Macallan girls in tight black dresses and we could have had a real catastrophe if I weren't so strong of mind and will.

That's right, made it through another day. I had a friend tell me that this would be like a detox, and that I would eventually get very clear minded and it would be amazing. Apparently, soon after that you go completely insane.

Most women are not impressed by the 30 day time frame. Ladies, sex time with men and women works like dog years. Maybe worse. Definitely worse.

Celibacy Day Two

Confession: After the breakup with "The Vet" (veterinarian for those not in the know) I started smoking again. Not as much as I had previously but smoking nonetheless.

You know how sometimes you decide to do the dishes, but then you are on a roll so you wipe the counters and mop the floors too? I haven't had an orgasm or a cigarette in 2 days. What is wrong with me?

Day two is actually not too bad on either front, though.

Celibacy: Day one

I understand that it's only the morning of day one; technically not even 12 hours in to my celibacy, but you know how on the first day of a diet all you can do is think about cake and cookies? Then the cookies are wearing a cute new skirt, and the cake has had her hair done and you know you shouldn't be going crazy but you are.

I have already hit two major snags actually. First snag is that a certain lady friend of late is a bit upset that i didn't let her know about this experiment in enough time for a last hurrah. That sort of thing tends to piss women off in my experience. In my experience I mean this one time, obviously. This is just a sign that I have taken the power back. The power of being the sex decider. Women have controlled it for ages. It is bound to ruffle some feathers when you have a transfer of power this big.

Snag number two was completely unforeseen. If you are dating, but not looking for a relationship, sex becomes the buffer. Sex is the reason or excuse for being with someone. Take that out of the equation and what is left? Holding hands, watching movies, kissing, cuddling, but without the sex...

What will happen? Will this change expectations? All the stuff leftover, is strangely more relationship-like than sex. This could be dangerous ground.

The best part about celibacy is that women want to make out with you and touch you inappropriately to try and fuck up your game. The worst part is you can't do shit about it. It's like staring at a cake while you eat a carrot.

Celibate Good Time, Come On!

I was raised in the LDS church...you know, the Mormons...anywho...The Mormon church is one of those "no sex before marriage" religions (and yes those holes count too). Because of this, I didn't lose my virginity until I, though still in high school, was of legal age to do so, (with my older, college girlfriend [go me]). I know that isn't exactly super old, but I felt like everyone else had done it and I was missing out on my youthful, consequence-free, sexual debauchery. After college-girl and I broke up, I sortof tried to make up for lost time.

I am not the most attractive, charming or intelligent man in the world, but I am attractive charming and intelligent so I do aight. The idea of a trial period of celibacy recently popped into my head. 30 days. Before you get all up in arms about how easy this should be keep in mind that:

1. I am getting some.
2. My celibacy will include denial of the art of self pleasure.

I brought up the idea with my good buddy Wayne. Tears running down his face from laughing, he said "You have got to do it." Wayne likes to see me suffer.

I brought up the idea with the person I am currently getting some from and she asked, "Why are you doing this?" and I realized that I didn't really have an answer.

"It would give me something to write about in my blog," doesn't feel like a sufficient answer and it crossed my mind before I considered writing about it. So why do it?

I guess originally it was just an idea for an experiment. What would happen? Could I do it? How would my mood and day to day change? The more I thought about it, the more I wondered about the changes it could cause.

It frees up some time right? I don't mean in an "I spend 8 hours a day engaged in sexual activity" sort of way, but the preoccupation of sex is a time consumer. Even masturbation you have to get out your tissues, set up the computer, get comfortable, find appropriate material online and then just as you are about to be done with it, the materials get unsexy and you have to find something worthy of the grande finale. What a chore!

OK this is a slight exaggeration but truly the effort that I put in to the general idea and practice of sex could be well spent elsewhere. My life is a mess and I know it so I want to see how concentrating my efforts away from sex will affect my actions.

Also how will it affect my dating? I have had relationships started and ended because of sex. I have had relationships based purely on sex and relationships where the sex ran out.

Sounds a bit extreme for 30 days of no sex, but truly, I enjoy the sex. I do OK with the ladies. I have the sex more than once a month. I masturbate. Regularly. *GASP*

"You have to do it from Valentine's to the Ides of March!" Wayne says, "Think of the symbolism of ending on the anniversary of a famous stabbing!" Wayne really likes seeing me suffer.

So, starting tomorrow, my experiment in celibacy begins. If nothing else it should provide amusement at my misery. Ideally I find a zen like mastery of myself and take over the world. What the fuck am I thinking? *sigh*