Monday, January 31, 2011

The Frog and the Scorpion


There was this scorpion who wanted to get across the river but he couldn't swim, so he asked a frog to carry him across on her back.

The frog refused because surely the scorpion would sting her and she would drown.

The scorpion explained that if he were to sting her while carrying him, they would both drown so, surely, she would be safe so the frog agreed.

Halfway across the river, the scorpion stung her.

"Why did you sting me? Now we will both die!" cried the frog.

The scorpion replied. "I am a scorpion; it's my nature and you always knew I was a scorpion."

A few weeks ago my friend Wayne and I sat in my favourite coffee shop having a deep, introspective conversation (like we like to do) and the subject inevitably turned to women and dating (as our conversations are prone to do). Wayne is a few years older than me and a beacon of knowledge for my quest to understand life, particularly in the arena of dating. Sometimes when I am on a date and my confidence starts to waiver, Wayne's voice comes to me Jedi Yoda style. Anywho.

Wayne was telling me about the time in his life after his marriage had ended (as they tend to do) when he finally felt ready to date again. He went on a few dates and really hit it off with the third girl he dated. They became serious and dated for 8 months before he realized he just couldn't do it anymore.

Wayne is a straight shooter and an introspective sort of guy and looking at the situation he couldn't find anything wrong with the girl. He knew it was all him (how cliche of Wayne right?), and it was then that he realized..."Being ready to date and being ready for a relationship are not the same thing." (Imagine Wayne as a Jedi ghost for full effect).

After being in a relationship for a year and a half following a much shorter relationship which pretty closely trailed a two year relationship I have recently started dating again but am not ready for a relationship (ooh a guy who won't commit, how original!).

I went out a couple of times with this hairstylist. She was an ex Mormon like me, fun, attractive and all that jazz. I am a pretty upfront guy, so I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship yet but we continued hanging out and then...for two weeks I was pretty busy and couldn't see her. I started getting messages from her saying things like "I just wish I could find a way to keep your attention," and, "I thought we really had something." You know, girl stuff that they think is going to convince you to love them and/or give them the answer to all of their dating woes.

I know for a fact that I told her that I didn't want anything serious because I asked her during the exit chat. This happens to me over and over again. I know some guys will pretend they want more to get in a girl's pants but most of us are upfront about things.

So do you want to know the answer to the dating woes? Shit, so do I, but what I do know is this: If you don't want to be stung, don't date a scorpion.


[Give me some insight here. Why does this happen so often? Comments appreciated.]









Monday, January 24, 2011

The Art of Wiping


I only set one new-year's resolution this year. That resolution is that for all of the year 2011, I will use nothing but toilet paper as toilet paper. This might sound like an easy one to keep but I think my fellow bachelors can relate.

The timing of the end of toilet paper to making it to the grocery store is a tough one to master especially when on a budget so tight that TP purchases aren't always possible. Let's face it, if anything is more important than TP it's rent. Add dating and the excessive amount of toilet paper that women seem to go through (despite the fact that girls don't poop) and we are talking logistical hell.

I don't skimp on toilet paper either. I once met a guy on the way to the dumpster of my old apartment. He was rocking his stunna shades with a wife-beater and holding up his sagging pants as his trash bag fell apart. His girl could be heard screaming from the apartment, "Hurry your black ass up! I told you to take that trash out yesterday!"

As I helped him pick up his trash I explained to him that the two things I don't go cheap-brand on are trash bags and toilet paper (There are actually three but we weren't at a stage in our friendship where I felt comfortable discussing condoms). A light bulb went off for my new friend and he cried out "You right man! How you gonna be a player if you aint got some decent toilet paper?!" and then in response to his girlfriend's calls from the apartment, "How you gonna be a player if you aint got decent trash bags?!" I taught him a valuable lesson that day.

No mater how picky I am about my toilet paper (I like Charmin Extra Strong. Give it a try. You'll thank me.) I always seem to mistime my Costco trip and have to scramble for paper products to "take care of the paperwork" so to speak.

There is no greater desperation than that of a man out of toilet paper. In desperation I have used the following substitutions:
  • Paper towels - If you have to substitute, paper towels are what you hope for. They are the closest household product to TP.
  • Fast food napkins - Second best bet. Fast food restaurants are cheap so the paper quality isn't great but it does the job somewhat comfortably.
  • Fast food wrappers - You don't want to go there if you can avoid it. If you have to, tear it into strips to make sure you have enough.
  • Newspaper - It's gonna leave ink smudges on your ass.
  • Coffee filters - Cause and effect; one product. It's the circle of life.
  • A sock - Your first thought will be to figure out how to wash it but just throw it out. You don't want to be reminded of the shame every time you come across it's mate so throw if out too.
I could probably make the list longer but you get the idea. You could argue that using only toilet paper as toilet paper is a symbolic goal, that it represents growing up and being responsible, but I am just sick of wiping my ass with coffee filters.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Girls Don't Poop


True story. The fairer sex has a special enzyme produced by their kidneys that breaks down food solids into a liquid state so that it can be passed from the system as urine. That's why they pee so much. It's science!


The Good, The Bad and The Ugly


Everyone thinks they are the good guy. I have found this to be the underlying principal of what little I understand about relationships and even more so, break-ups. No one thinks of themselves as the supporting character or the villain in the story of their lives. No. Everyone thinks they are the good guy even when they know they have done bad things. This is the theory behind the "Good Guy Complex."

The idea of always being the good guy actually does a lot of good. For one, it's a self preservation tactic. If you thought you were the villain all the time, you would probably either feel really bad about yourself or be one really fucked up human being trying to turn Smurfs into gold or something. Think about it.

The "Good Guy Complex" can also keep people on the straight and narrow. Many good things have been done, not out of the goodness of the heart, but to maintain the good guy image. Think about how bad the political system would be if politicians had to rely on their morals to make good choices instead of their image to the voting public.

The "Good Guy Complex" reaches into all facets of life and relationships. As an example, I was recently involved in a break-up where I didn't feel that I had done anything to particularly harm this girl (Then again, maybe it's just the "Good Guy Complex" talking) but things weren't going swimmingly either and she was faced with a decision of whether to move cross country or not. She made the right choice in going but what should have been a relatively drama-free, amicable break up, turned into a shit show of shouting matches and name calling. It is my belief that in order to be the good guy, she had to create a bad guy. What would Superman do if there was no Lex Luthor, after all? If I wasn't with her, I was against her and since she was naturally the good guy in her version of the story, that made me the bad guy.

The "good guy complex" can make people do shitty things. Barry Bonds doesn't know that he is the bad guy. Richard Nixon famously told David Frost (and the world watching on television) during an interview "When the president does it, that means it's not illegal." What Nixon was saying is "I am the good guy." The "Good Guy Complex" is a vehicle for justification.

"Thou shalt not kill." is pretty much the most unarguable commandment regardless of religion but no one bats an eyes when James Bond kills. Do you know why? Because he is the good guy; he has a license for that shit.

Have you ever been in a relationship that has gone on much longer than it should have? It was probably because both of you were waiting for the other person to fuck up so you could get out with an unscathed good guy status. Even if it ended because you did something wrong, I'll bet you figured out how to be the good guy in your own mind. "I only cheated on her because she was constantly such a raging bitch/ never put out/ the marriage was loveless and I love the new girl."

The world is not black and white. Lines are blurred. Shit happens.