Celibacy: Day Three

Scotch and celibacy don't mix. Last night, I attended a Scotch tasting put on by The Macallan. Eden Algie is the Brand Ambassador or some such thing. Basically he gets to drink with people and talk about Scotch, which as far as I'm concerned is the best job that ever existed unless Salma Hayek had a nipple fluffer on set of From Dusk Till Dawn.

If you ever have a chance, I highly recommend that you take part in one of these tastings, unless you happen to be practicing celibacy (OK even then do it, but do it with caution). Have you ever had a night where all you drank was good, single-malt scotch? Eden Algie, god bless him, served us 10 year (x3), 12 year, 15 year and 18 year (x2) Macallan all for free.

Good Scotch tends to bring about a jovial happy drunk. It makes me happy, nostalgic and amorous. Throw in the Macallan girls in tight black dresses and we could have had a real catastrophe if I weren't so strong of mind and will.

That's right, made it through another day. I had a friend tell me that this would be like a detox, and that I would eventually get very clear minded and it would be amazing. Apparently, soon after that you go completely insane.

Most women are not impressed by the 30 day time frame. Ladies, sex time with men and women works like dog years. Maybe worse. Definitely worse.

Celibacy Day Two

Confession: After the breakup with "The Vet" (veterinarian for those not in the know) I started smoking again. Not as much as I had previously but smoking nonetheless.

You know how sometimes you decide to do the dishes, but then you are on a roll so you wipe the counters and mop the floors too? I haven't had an orgasm or a cigarette in 2 days. What is wrong with me?

Day two is actually not too bad on either front, though.

Celibacy: Day one

I understand that it's only the morning of day one; technically not even 12 hours in to my celibacy, but you know how on the first day of a diet all you can do is think about cake and cookies? Then the cookies are wearing a cute new skirt, and the cake has had her hair done and you know you shouldn't be going crazy but you are.

I have already hit two major snags actually. First snag is that a certain lady friend of late is a bit upset that i didn't let her know about this experiment in enough time for a last hurrah. That sort of thing tends to piss women off in my experience. In my experience I mean this one time, obviously. This is just a sign that I have taken the power back. The power of being the sex decider. Women have controlled it for ages. It is bound to ruffle some feathers when you have a transfer of power this big.

Snag number two was completely unforeseen. If you are dating, but not looking for a relationship, sex becomes the buffer. Sex is the reason or excuse for being with someone. Take that out of the equation and what is left? Holding hands, watching movies, kissing, cuddling, but without the sex...

What will happen? Will this change expectations? All the stuff leftover, is strangely more relationship-like than sex. This could be dangerous ground.

The best part about celibacy is that women want to make out with you and touch you inappropriately to try and fuck up your game. The worst part is you can't do shit about it. It's like staring at a cake while you eat a carrot.

The Frog and the Scorpion

There was this scorpion who wanted to get across the river but he couldn't swim, so he asked a frog to carry him across on her back.

The frog refused because surely the scorpion would sting her and she would drown.

The scorpion explained that if he were to sting her while carrying him, they would both drown so, surely, she would be safe so the frog agreed.

Halfway across the river, the scorpion stung her.

"Why did you sting me? Now we will both die!" cried the frog.

The scorpion replied. "I am a scorpion; it's my nature and you always knew I was a scorpion."

A few weeks ago my friend Wayne and I sat in my favourite coffee shop having a deep, introspective conversation (like we like to do) and the subject inevitably turned to women and dating (as our conversations are prone to do). Wayne is a few years older than me and a beacon of knowledge for my quest to understand life, particularly in the arena of dating. Sometimes when I am on a date and my confidence starts to waiver, Wayne's voice comes to me Jedi Yoda style. Anywho.

Wayne was telling me about the time in his life after his marriage had ended (as they tend to do) when he finally felt ready to date again. He went on a few dates and really hit it off with the third girl he dated. They became serious and dated for 8 months before he realized he just couldn't do it anymore.

Wayne is a straight shooter and an introspective sort of guy and looking at the situation he couldn't find anything wrong with the girl. He knew it was all him (how cliche of Wayne right?), and it was then that he realized..."Being ready to date and being ready for a relationship are not the same thing." (Imagine Wayne as a Jedi ghost for full effect).

After being in a relationship for a year and a half following a much shorter relationship which pretty closely trailed a two year relationship I have recently started dating again but am not ready for a relationship (ooh a guy who won't commit, how original!).

I went out a couple of times with this hairstylist. She was an ex Mormon like me, fun, attractive and all that jazz. I am a pretty upfront guy, so I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship yet but we continued hanging out and then...for two weeks I was pretty busy and couldn't see her. I started getting messages from her saying things like "I just wish I could find a way to keep your attention," and, "I thought we really had something." You know, girl stuff that they think is going to convince you to love them and/or give them the answer to all of their dating woes.

I know for a fact that I told her that I didn't want anything serious because I asked her during the exit chat. This happens to me over and over again. I know some guys will pretend they want more to get in a girl's pants but most of us are upfront about things.

So do you want to know the answer to the dating woes? Shit, so do I, but what I do know is this: If you don't want to be stung, don't date a scorpion.

[Give me some insight here. Why does this happen so often? Comments appreciated.]