Product Recommendation: Just a Drop

For my birthday back in November, my good friend Julia gave me a few little goodies. I believe that this one was meant as a gag gift but it has proved to be one of the most genius products I have come across.

What is Just a Drop? It's a courtesy flush in a bottle. I have a very small apartment and the bathroom is off of the kitchen. When you have a lady friend over and you are cooking for her, nature is not necessarily going to hold her call. Just a drop of Just a Drop into the toilet from the conveniently pocket-sized bottle pre-use holds in the odors. It's like something James Bond would have Q create.

I have since bought a second bottle for travel purposes to avoid the extra faux pas of wrecking someone else's bathroom. This shit is brilliant.

*Addendum -- I can't believe I forgot to mention this, but it comes with a handy little travel pouch. Classy!

The Art of Wiping

I only set one new-year's resolution this year. That resolution is that for all of the year 2011, I will use nothing but toilet paper as toilet paper. This might sound like an easy one to keep but I think my fellow bachelors can relate.

The timing of the end of toilet paper to making it to the grocery store is a tough one to master especially when on a budget so tight that TP purchases aren't always possible. Let's face it, if anything is more important than TP it's rent. Add dating and the excessive amount of toilet paper that women seem to go through (despite the fact that girls don't poop) and we are talking logistical hell.

I don't skimp on toilet paper either. I once met a guy on the way to the dumpster of my old apartment. He was rocking his stunna shades with a wife-beater and holding up his sagging pants as his trash bag fell apart. His girl could be heard screaming from the apartment, "Hurry your black ass up! I told you to take that trash out yesterday!"

As I helped him pick up his trash I explained to him that the two things I don't go cheap-brand on are trash bags and toilet paper (There are actually three but we weren't at a stage in our friendship where I felt comfortable discussing condoms). A light bulb went off for my new friend and he cried out "You right man! How you gonna be a player if you aint got some decent toilet paper?!" and then in response to his girlfriend's calls from the apartment, "How you gonna be a player if you aint got decent trash bags?!" I taught him a valuable lesson that day.

No mater how picky I am about my toilet paper (I like Charmin Extra Strong. Give it a try. You'll thank me.) I always seem to mistime my Costco trip and have to scramble for paper products to "take care of the paperwork" so to speak.

There is no greater desperation than that of a man out of toilet paper. In desperation I have used the following substitutions:

• Paper towels - If you have to substitute, paper towels are what you hope for. They are the closest household product to TP.
• Fast food napkins - Second best bet. Fast food restaurants are cheap so the paper quality isn't great but it does the job somewhat comfortably.
• Fast food wrappers - You don't want to go there if you can avoid it. If you have to, tear it into strips to make sure you have enough.
• Newspaper - It's gonna leave ink smudges on your ass.
• Coffee filters - Cause and effect; one product. It's the circle of life.
• A sock - Your first thought will be to figure out how to wash it but just throw it out. You don't want to be reminded of the shame every time you come across it's mate so throw if out too.

I could probably make the list longer but you get the idea. You could argue that using only toilet paper as toilet paper is a symbolic goal, that it represents growing up and being responsible, but I am just sick of wiping my ass with coffee filters.

Girls Don't Poop

True story. The fairer sex has a special enzyme produced by their kidneys that breaks down food solids into a liquid state so that it can be passed from the system as urine. That's why they pee so much. It's science!